ST. JOHNS COUNTY, FL – A local parent is defending their child’s 38 mph e-bike as “basically a bicycle,” despite the machine appearing to be one software update away from needing a license plate.

“It has pedals,” the parent explained, pointing to the two small foot decorations attached to the bottom of what witnesses described as a dirt bike in witness protection.

The parent said the e-bike was purchased because their child “needed more independence,” though critics noted the same result could have been achieved with a regular bike, a skateboard, or not handing a middle schooler a battery-powered missile with handle bars.

Manufacturers continue to insist the vehicles are bicycles because they include pedals, a legal strategy also known as “putting a salad next to a bucket of wings.”

Local officials say they are still trying to determine where the vehicles belong, since they are too fast for sidewalks, too weird for bike lanes, and too young to be doing 38 past a mailbox with no visible fear of God.

Parents across the county say the bikes are perfectly safe as long as kids wear helmets, follow the rules, and never once act like kids.

At press time, the child promised to be careful before immediately asking how to turn off the speed limiter.