ST. JOHNS COUNTY – In a stunning development that political scientists are already calling “extremely St. Johns County,” local Republicans have discovered that the greatest threat to local Republican values may be other Republicans asking Republican questions.

The discovery occurred during the June 2 Board of County Commissioners meeting, when commissioners took up an item officially titled, in the language of government poetry, “Unsolicited Proposal - Biosolids Facility - Merrell Bros.”

To residents, this roughly translated to: “The county may spend tens of millions of dollars figuring out what to do with the poop smell.”

According to the agenda, Merrell Bros. submitted an unsolicited proposal for the design, construction, and operation of a biosolids facility. The county said the proposal met the requirements under its P3/unsolicited proposal procedures and Florida Statute 255.065, because apparently there is a Florida statute for everything, including what happens when someone shows up with a business plan for industrial-grade dookie management.

The board had three options: reject the proposal, accept it and seek competing proposals, or accept it and attempt to move forward without seeking competing proposals.

Commissioner Krista Joseph tried to remove the item from the agenda, arguing that the public deserved more time, more clarity, and more process before the county marched into a large public-private poop infrastructure situation wearing dress shoes.

Clip for your viewing pleasure: https://youtube.com/shorts/eDHT6fQdxdc

This position, once known in Republican folklore as “fiscal responsibility,” was immediately treated by some observers as suspicious behavior.

The motion to remove the item failed.

From there, the meeting entered its natural St. Johns County habitat: a fluorescent-lit swamp of parliamentary procedure, odor complaints, development anxiety, Facebook screenshots, public comment, and Republicans accusing other Republicans of not being the correct species of Republican.

Chair Christian Whitehurst defended hearing the proposal, framing it as a potential solution to years of complaints from residents living near the Indianhead biosolids operation. At one point, while arguing that people were attacking the proposal before fully hearing it, he said people were “pooh-poohing this.”

The room reportedly survived the pun.

Merrell Bros. then presented its vision: an enclosed biosolids facility designed to process waste, control odor, produce fertilizer, and make county government sound like a municipal episode of How It’s Made.

Supporters framed the proposal as a serious attempt to solve a long-running quality-of-life problem for residents who have been dealing with the smell. Critics questioned the speed, the cost, the public process, and whether an unsolicited proposal from an existing biosolids contractor should be treated with the kind of trust normally reserved for grandma’s casserole recipe.

By the end, commissioners voted unanimously to accept the unsolicited proposal and direct staff to begin a competitive procurement process.

In normal human words, the county did not approve the final facility. It voted to move the proposal into the next stage, where other companies can submit competing proposals and everyone can continue yelling with more paperwork.

Still, the political fallout was immediate.

Residents who oppose overdevelopment, sweetheart contracts, traffic chaos, and taxpayer-funded nonsense were reportedly identified as dangerous radicals.

Their radical demands included smaller government, accountability, fiscal responsibility, transparency, competitive bidding, and not turning every tree in the county into a cul-de-sac with a commemorative Publix.

Officials have not confirmed whether the alleged leftist infiltration includes people wearing Salt Life shirts, backing into parking spots, or saying “I’m as conservative as they come” before yelling at a microphone for three minutes.

County observers say the situation has become especially confusing because nearly everyone involved appears to be Republican, conservative, anti-tax, pro-accountability, and extremely online.

The real divide, experts say, is no longer left versus right.

It is now “trust the board to hear the proposal” versus “why is there a surprise poop facility agenda item and why does everyone keep acting like asking questions is communism?”

At press time, the county was reportedly considering forming a committee to investigate whether Facebook comments are protected speech, foreign interference, or just Donna from Nocatee being mad about another 700-home development.