ST. AUGUSTINE, FL — Sea turtle nesting season is underway in St. Johns County, and one local loggerhead has already filed what officials are calling “a surprisingly coherent complaint for someone who crawls using flippers.”

Carl, a 300-pound loggerhead and veteran of roughly 30 nesting seasons, returned to the beach this month expecting soft sand, quiet nights, and the peaceful dignity of laying eggs without navigating a toddler-sized trench system.

Instead, Carl says he found “the usual human layout.”

“Every year I show up on time,” Carl told The Local Lion, slowly blinking with the exhaustion of an ancient creature who has seen one too many beach chairs. “And every year the beach looks like someone hosted a sandcastle engineering conference and left before cleanup.”

According to Carl, the main hazards remain predictable: deep holes, abandoned umbrellas, plastic toys, bright lights, flash photos, and tourists who see a nesting sea turtle and immediately decide what nature really needs is their assistance.

“If you see me on the beach at night, do not help,” Carl said. “I have been doing this since before your Airbnb had a keypad. Flatten the holes, pick up the trash, turn off the porch lights, and let the large reptile handle the reptile business.”

Carl did give rare praise to St. Johns County Public Works for reopening the Porpoise Point vehicular access ramp ahead of schedule. The ramp, located near Genoa Road and Porpoise Point Drive in Vilano Beach, was completed in mid-April, ahead of its May target.

“I’ll give credit where it’s due,” Carl said. “That ramp was smooth. I dragged 300 pounds of endangered responsibility across that sand without feeling like I was auditioning for a survival show.”

But the goodwill ended there.

Carl says beachfront lights remain one of the biggest problems, especially homes glowing with porch lights, floodlights, decorative LEDs, and motion sensors bright enough to make a hatchling think it has accidentally emerged inside a Buc-ee’s.

“We use the moon and the horizon,” Carl explained. “Your beach house does not need to look like it’s trying to land aircraft.”

He also had strong words for fireworks, balloons, trash, and beachgoers who leave holes in the sand overnight.

“Those holes may look cute when your kid digs them,” Carl said. “To a turtle, that’s a municipal sinkhole with no permitting.”

Carl ended the interview with a simple request for residents and visitors during nesting season:

“Turn the lights off. Fill the holes. Take your trash. Respect the gate times. Stop releasing balloons. And for the love of all things salty, quit building beach furniture forts and calling it a vibe.”

At publishing time, Carl had returned to the ocean, reportedly muttering that jellyfish have better manners than half the shoreline.