ST. AUGUSTINE, FL — In a groundbreaking move hailed by parallel-parking enthusiasts and denounced by literally everyone else, the City of St. Augustine has officially replaced its existing Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) initiatives with a brand-new, comprehensive "Parking Enhancement and Inclusion (PEI)" program.

The strategic pivot, outlined in a memo that was briefly visible on a municipal website before being replaced by a live feed of a downtown parking garage, aims to refocus municipal efforts on the one thing that truly unites all residents and visitors: the desperate, never-ending search for a parking space.

"We believe true equity begins when every vehicle, regardless of make or model, has an equal opportunity to illegally occupy a loading zone," said one fictional city official, who wished to remain anonymous while circling the Block for the fourth time. "Our new PEI program ensures that the frustration is shared equally across all demographics."

At publishing time, two new parking spaces had been identified after a small historical monument was relocated to an undisclosed, less inconvenient, location.