ST. JOHNS COUNTY, FL – Local officials warned this week that county elections may remain dangerously vulnerable to anyone with Canva, a large quantity of stamps, and basic knowledge of where Home Depot keeps the grills.

The warning comes after residents learned that local democracy, long believed to be protected by laws, procedures, and voter education, may also require protection from craft supplies.

“This is a reminder that democracy should never be left unattended near envelopes,” said one fictional election integrity expert, carefully moving a roll of address labels into a locked cabinet. “Once Canva opens and someone says, ‘I can make this look official,’ you are already in a danger zone.”

Officials said the threat level increases significantly when a person possesses more than 40 stamps, a laptop, and the confidence to use both.

“Historically, we worried about ballot security, cybersecurity, and foreign interference,” the expert added. “We are now expanding that list to include drag-and-drop design platforms, suspiciously energetic envelope stuffing, and grills purchased under unusual emotional conditions.”

The Postal Service has denied any wrongdoing, explaining that its stamps are legally required to stick to things and cannot be held responsible for the political judgment of whoever licks them.

Canva also released a statement reminding users that its platform is intended for birthday invitations, yard sale flyers, and small businesses pretending they have a full marketing department.

“Any use of Canva to create election-adjacent materials that make voters question reality is outside our recommended brand guidelines,” the company said, before offering 30% off Canva Pro.

Meanwhile, area grills have begun distancing themselves from local politics.

“I was told there would be hamburgers,” said one kettle grill, speaking through counsel. “At no time did I consent to being pulled into election discourse.”

Officials are now advising voters to verify election information through official sources, avoid taking political guidance from mysterious mailers, and immediately report any envelope that appears to have attended a meeting.

At press time, democracy had been moved to a secure location away from printers, stamps, laptops, folding tables, and anything capable of reaching medium-high heat.